Friday, December 24, 2010

The First Annual NYTPicker Christmas Poem. (With Apologies To Roger Angell.)

Fair readers, hi! It’s almost Christmas morn
And for those not browsing media porn
We thought we’d bring you holiday rhymes
That sync up to the New York Times!

For starters, let’s properly celebrate
With the sterling Nate Silver, and his blog Five-Three-Eight;
He’s new, he’s smart, and well, kinda hunky
As opposed to, say, Detroit’s Nick Bunkley.

To the newsroom! There’s still time for one very last tango;
A three-way with Brian Stelter and (of course) Tim Arango.
And who’s that reading out-of-town clips?
Oh wait, we know – that’s where Dan Barry sits!

Next, quickly, a pit stop in the comfy confines
Of Verlyn Klinkenborg and Francis X. Clines.
Then we’ll deck Trish Hall with boughs of holly!
Maybe she’ll recommend us to replace Tom Jolly.

It’s the end of the year, so let’s stick a fork in
The bloviation of Andrew Ross Sorkin
Instead, let's make some more room on the show
For the numbers machine that is Charles M. Blow.

To Tim O’Brien, we say a hearty hasta la vista!
(Don’t tell him, but we prefer Judy Battista.)
We’ll miss David Shipley, the lord of op-ed;
Can’t we get rid of Paul Krugman instead?

And now, all, a round of he’s-a-jolly-good-fella
To the haircut in chief, the comely Bill Keller
You too, Jill! Come now, wipe off that pout
Bill let you blog about your little dog Scout.

Lest you think this poem is getting too petty
Here’s a tip of our hat to the great Mark Mazzetti!
Between Bruni and Sifton, it’s Frank by a nose
But we’re kind of in awe of Sam’s purply prose.

For tugging at heartstrings, there’s the dynamic duo
Of Susan Dominus and the great Michael Luo
But if it’s humor you hanker for, we have to admit
That nothing beats Maureen Dowd in a snit.

Other kudos include a tip of our sombrero
To Marc Lacey and, of course, Senor Simon Romero.
And here’s a statement that requires no correction;
Alessandra Stanley, you’re TV’s greatest confection!

As long as it’s writers whose gifts we’re exhorting
Here’s to Sam Dolnick for his metro reporting!
And if any athlete, anywhere, is doing bad shit
You can safely be certain it’s known to Mike Schmidt.

To all New York Times reporters posted near war,
We say thank you and godspeed, and nothing at all more.
To Hugo Lindgren, we wish good luck with his rag
You know, the still-curious NYT Mag.

The log’s in the fire, the paper’s ready to burn;
We’re caught up with Nocera and the fair Morgenstern.
We’ve remembered the neediest, and helped out a few
And so now, we say Merry Christmas to you!

Love, The NYTPicker

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Even though it's Christmas Eve, I'm really looking forward to all the anonymous attacks on this.

Anonymous said...

There's no such thing as the "first annual" anything. You've worked as a journalist before?

Anonymous said...

UR dorky luzzers!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I don't believe that an apology to Roger Angell can be abject enough for him to excuse the linking of his name, even in passing, to this silly mess.
Where is Angell's iambic quadrameter? Where, indeed, is there any meter at all?
In order for this to work, the very least you could have done is to have had the patience to write it well. As it stands, it reads like the product of a churlish inebriate in dire need of an editor.
The concept had much promise. Your inability to bring it off betrays either a lack of talent or an aversion to the hard work of doing it right.
Ponder on that the next time you feel undervalued at the paper.

IR

Anonymous said...

Why are all the comments on this site always so negative? I'm guessing most of the attackers are thin skinned New York Times reporters.

It hasnt seemed to slow nytpicker down in my opinion as someone who doesn't work for the Times. I thought the poem was pretty funny even if it wsn't in iambic whatever.

Anonymous said...

Guess not much rhymes with "Sulzberger."

Pretty funny, though. Angell would like the fork in/Sorkin lines.

Anonymous said...

very fun nytpicker

Anonymous said...

i thought it was great. i'll tell you what rhymes with sulzberger - giving family members primo jobs when they don't deserve them! s. dolnick's writing is mediocre at best - he writes like a college student.

Anonymous said...

David, you can't spell.

Evelyn said...

Loved it.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't scan, only kinda rhymes.

Okay idea, lousy execution.

And it calls into question nytpicker's editorial judgment, which you maybe should have thought about before you published this.